I realize

that everyone else has had or can have a breakdown, that people are fragile. It isn’t just me.

I often wish I was sure about God (who God is, what God wants, if God is really loving, whether or not God is cruel and impossible about things like sex and doubt).

I’m not sure. I’m not sure enough or brave enough or true enough inside to evangelize or “share the gospel” like I used to think I should.

I’m not sure, but Jesus said to people that God sees every sparrow, and if God sees every sparrow, how much more does God see each of us, for we are worth more than sparrows.

There are conversations and articles I have encountered that give me reasons to disregard that, or even find it offensive. How could Jesus say that about a God who doesn’t stop genocides and sex offenders? Was Jesus even God’s Son? Did he even say that? Was he even real? Is it ridiculous to say people are more valuable than birds when we are all life forms and what makes one creature higher up on the hierarchy than others? What about the rest of the Bible and its more restrictive or oppressive passages – what kind of loving God would define sexuality in such a restrictive way or send people to hell (and let’s not forget the questions within those questions too: does God actually do those things according to the rest of the Bible?)

And there are conversations and articles that give me reason to believe that finding comfort in the words of an ancient rabbi (who died at the hands of a merciless mob on purpose) is reasonable…that historical documentation of Jesus’ existence is relatively strong for a religious figure, and that somehow these passages of love undergird and justify and overcome every other thing that makes me want to run from this religion into the arms of something like Art or Science. I don’t think Art and Science are actually as incompatible with religion as many people say…all three are valued and respected in the hearts and minds of many of my friends. But many of my friends see the conflicts between those things, and they find the underlying philosophies of Science more reasonable or the exploratory philosophies of Art more liberating, and sometimes I think they might be right.

But in my experience, the conversations I have had in my religious life have usually been shot through with love, and the love is fierce and it stares right at the darkest parts of me and offers hope and forgiveness. And those are things I am sure I need. Which I guess makes me inclined to believe the conversations and articles and books and sermons that have defended the realness (the spiritual resonance and historicity) of Jesus.

I took these pictures of sunflowers a while ago – it is a research plot at Iowa State we almost drove past one day. I have had a recent poetic obsession with sunflowers, so we stopped.

Most of the other sunflower pictures I have been collecting have been cheerier – sunflowers in the flower shop where I worked, a sunflower growing on my neighbor’s yard. But these seemed haunting to me. They were not grown for their beauty (there’s nothing wrong with that. But they struck me as sad somehow).

At the moment, I am reflecting on what supports my soul when I am aware of my fragility and heartbroken or anxious or ashamed or doubting my worth. I’m always wrestling over these spiritual questions because I want to lean on the comfort I have been told to see in Jesus.

Coming around to the title of this entry, I realized – not for the first time, really, but it usually feels like the first time – that everyone has this capacity for fragility and need for love.

We are like these sunflowers, standing in a plot, unbeautiful and beautiful and interesting and awkward and worthy of careful study.

The sunflowers can’t comfort one another, but they stand side by side.

I can’t comfort my husband or my family or my friends when everything breaks for them and they feel like nothing. This world is awesome at making people feel like nothing if one of the things we think makes us valuable crumbles (work, relationships, ability).

At the end of the day, we all bite the dust – maybe after the world has used us for what it wanted, or maybe by some freak accident where we fall prematurely like this crushed and rotting sunflower I saw on the ground when I walked to the plot:

Life, and people, and religion, and art, and what I know of science all tell me in some way that we are all the same. And religion tells me why we have worth…and all those other things can explain that too, in a way, but I’m reflecting on the spiritual concept of worth. Having more worth than sparrows.

It’s something I return to again and again, this idea of worth.

I know I am using two analogies at the same time, which is usually a bad thing. To clarify, Jesus compared us to sparrows, and He seemed to emphasize the worth of the individual in doing so.

I am comparing us to sunflowers, which are also pretty life forms with short life spans. He was talking about worth. I am too, but I am also talking about solidarity.

My experiences have caused me to lean into the Christian idea of worth – that all humans have the same worth, and God cares about all of them. I’m in a position of cautious faith that this idea of common worth, which is found elsewhere in the Bible, is true. I’m in a position of cautious faith that God actually sees and understands us, and every ounce of pain and confusion and anger at him or society has an answer…and the answer is love. I haven’t settled on the questions that keep challenging that which I mentioned above, but I’m in a position of cautious faith that the questions have answers.

My experiences have caused me to lean into this idea of worth because I realize all the time that everyone else’s self-worth is threatened all the time by many things.

We stand together, fragile, in this fleeting life.

We have these things in common.

I struggle to believe and grasp the foundation for my worth, but I lean into it, and it has something to do with the kindness of the thought that we are more valuable than sparrows.

What I do not struggle with is believing that we are all fragile and need an internal, unshakable foundation for knowing our worth in the face of heartache and failure. I know that is true.

So through faith, I believe we are like Jesus’s sparrows.

Through consistent observation, I know we are helpless sunflowers too.

The haunted sunflowers I photographed were being measured in many ways, I am sure – measured to maximize their worth in some way (yield, strength to withstand bugs and fungi).

I stand with you, my friends, helpless against the way the world measures me too. I stand with you as one who will bite the dust too.

I know I have worth that transcends the measuring…because if this analogy breaks down, I know another one about sparrows that could work.

And if that one breaks down too, I still know we are the same. And for a combination of spiritual or psychological reasons, I want to emphasize my solidarity with you right now.

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